Triangulation
It is inevitable that my life ends up being a certain triangulation of my desires. I am not unique in this sense, and I imagine everyone around me has to do something of the sort, some more than others depending on the amount of privilege their lives allow them to carry.
At the moment, my own privilege is actually quite high. I have a stable job that pays reasonably well by regional and national standards, while my financial situation, in terms of costs, is fairly predictable compared to that of many of my peers, especially when compared to other immigrants who live here.
This privilege is mainly "temporal". While I run my tests, my pipelines, and other things of the sort, I can answer emails, write, prepare food, and even clean the house. Not very deeply, because I admit my shortcomings, especially with details like the kitchen doors, which are always marked because the cabinets are the kind that do not have handles.
Then comes the guilt when I find myself dissatisfied with what I do. After all, changing companies, and consequently changing positions, means having less time to do these extra things that are small in the grand scheme of things, but that would bring me great relief if I were much busier with my work.
And yet the nagging doubt is always there. What if, after all, the new triangulation placed me somewhere a little closer to what I want to do in the long run?
Because in the long run I do not want to be a mere contributor to the exorbitant profits of consultancies. Even if it means earning (much) less, I want work with social value, work that gives me the satisfaction not only of a task well done, but also of contributing so that at least one person feels better that day.
A few days ago I went to a bank to deal with some personal and corporate matters, and I was received by the same young woman who had already helped me a few months earlier with those same matters. I was not treated in any especially friendly way or anything of the sort. But those few minutes in the bank, preceded by many minutes waiting in line, were vital for resolving issues that had been pending for many days. Things that could not be done online or over the phone - a rarity these days.
It is not that I want to be a bank manager. That train has already passed through my life, and I do not see myself having the energy to chase after it. However, I do think it is possible to be what I am, but in a place where these improvements, however marginal, can be made in someone’s day.
Which means moving toward the public sector. Something that, in this country, also means a devaluation of salary, the constant degradation of working conditions, ideological persecution, among many other problems.
Just what the doctor's ordered.