After the next renewal
How far is public exposure really worth it?
As I have said in other posts, I am a "vulnerable" person in the country where I live. Maybe it is all just in my head, which has a great deal of trouble accepting any kind of stability as guaranteed, whether because of my own abilities or someone else's. Still, I invariably feel unable to go much further than my anonymous writing in places like this blog.
The field I work in is reasonably sensitive to any kind of political exposure from people within it. IT was once an ultra-libertarian field in the broadest sense of the word, including when it came to freedom of expression, even if that freedom could come with enormous consequences. These days, being a mere industry grunt with very strong opinions about politics, society and economics is an easy way to put yourself in the sights of an HR department whose sole purpose is to carry out the wishes of whatever bosses happen to run the company.
I am not a member of any union, political party or social movement. This is where I start wondering whether the reason is actually fear or simply laziness. "I already have too much to do" is a genuine statement. A full-time job, a family to take care of, a long-term side job that requires only a few hours of dedication but somehow always takes up one or two days of the weekend, plus the responsibilities of being an executive member of a non-profit association, which takes another hour or two out of my week. For some people reading this paragraph, I understand if the final reaction is a deep sigh - whether one of understanding or contempt.
Into all of this comes the constant cycle of residence permit renewals. It is something I should already be "used to". But how does one get used to unpredictability and the precarity that comes with it?
With each of these cycles, which last a few years, the rules of the game change. A new government means new rules, and new governments demand more and more paperwork while creating longer and longer delays. The burden of those delays does not fall on the agency that is supposed to manage the process, but on the "citizen", who is not really a citizen at all, since he does not even have the right to vote, and who may even risk being expelled from the country if those delays materialise.
No matter how much empathy a native may have for situations like these, they will never truly know what this means. That sense of institutional abandonment that follows the non-European immigrant through a land that grows increasingly hostile to their presence, regardless of whatever contribution that presence may offer to this particular patch of ground.
There are always ways of softening situations like these. Marriage is the first item on the list, and formalising a long and lasting relationship, one that has already produced the fruits expected of a heteronormative union, requires little more than paying a fee and going to a notary on a convenient date. It also means swallowing one's pride, but the state is far more cowardly when dealing with weak people like me.
My proposed solution here, so that I do not keep brooding over all of this, is to find something to do. Preferably something with my hands. I do, in fact, have about three boxes of LEGO-style engine building sets that have not even been opened since they arrived at home several months ago.
I could try taking up a sport. I would not have much time to practise it, but it would be a much better justification for having some time to myself than the alternative of staying home, tidying things up and dwelling on my anxieties.
I still think about doing a PhD, and even about writing a book. Once again, time is short. But if there is enough will, you find the time.
In the meantime, I remain in the comfort of this anonymous space, where I can throw into the air whatever happens to be occupying my mind. There is no denying that writing is a hobby, even if writing eventually became the aforementioned side job. I could even look for places willing to publish texts written by a Caracara bird. But a piece of writing will never have quite the same impact as one accompanied by a face willing to take the blows.
Whenever I fall into one of these cycles, I promise myself that as soon as I achieve some stability, which usually means getting my residence permit renewed, I will put these fears aside and finally act on these plans for greater "exposure".
Good old self-deception.